The Ultimate Chain Letter
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that--if you send them--that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes of the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website, will get 5 cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone else you send $10,000 of his own money? How stupid are you? Ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalogue!
What a bunch of BS.
So basically, this message is a big F*!% YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come to my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain that was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought over to this country by pilgrims on the Mayflower. If it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" emails about 9000 times. I don't give a @&%#! Show a little bit of intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
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THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
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Chain Letter Type 1
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> > > > > > Make a wish!!!!
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> > > > > > Really, go on and make one!!!!
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> > > > > > Yeah right, she wouldn't go out with you!!!!
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> > > > > > Wish something else!!!!
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> > > > > > Not that, you pervert!!!!
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> > > > > > Is your finger getting tired yet?
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> > > > > > STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE! REALLY!!!!
Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: 1 person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and may form a plot to kill you.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will bomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good luck!!!!
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Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no penis and no parents. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Dickless Orphan Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder--if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!!!
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Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you. This is what happened to the people who didn't do what this letter said:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Monday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain pipe into a flood of poop and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This could happen to you!!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 18-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way).
They both died and went to Hell and were cursed to eat tuna casserole every day for eternity. This could happen to you!!!!
*Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all your loser friends and everything will be okay.
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Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends or you will die.
FRIENDS
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you have bad breath. A friend is someone who likes you even though
you are disgustingly ugly. A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about the death of "Muffy" your pet cockroach.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and doesn't speak much English--oops sorry, that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by crocodiles.
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On to the ironic part.
Send this email on!!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not? Thanks! And remember, the moral of the story is: If you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e., the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e., Miranda Pinsley, who ended up in a waterfall of shit) just delete it. Do yourself and everyone else in the world a favor and say, "F#&% CHAIN LETTERS!"
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that--if you send them--that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes of the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website, will get 5 cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone else you send $10,000 of his own money? How stupid are you? Ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalogue!
What a bunch of BS.
So basically, this message is a big F*!% YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come to my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain that was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought over to this country by pilgrims on the Mayflower. If it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" emails about 9000 times. I don't give a @&%#! Show a little bit of intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
===========================================
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
===========================================
Chain Letter Type 1
(scroll down)
> > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > Make a wish!!!!
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > Really, go on and make one!!!!
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > Yeah right, she wouldn't go out with you!!!!
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
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> > > > > > >>
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> > > > > > Wish something else!!!!
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > Not that, you pervert!!!!
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > Is your finger getting tired yet?
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE! REALLY!!!!
Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: 1 person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and may form a plot to kill you.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will bomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good luck!!!!
===============================
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no penis and no parents. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Dickless Orphan Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder--if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!!!
===============================
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you. This is what happened to the people who didn't do what this letter said:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Monday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain pipe into a flood of poop and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This could happen to you!!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 18-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way).
They both died and went to Hell and were cursed to eat tuna casserole every day for eternity. This could happen to you!!!!
*Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all your loser friends and everything will be okay.
==============================
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends or you will die.
FRIENDS
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you have bad breath. A friend is someone who likes you even though
you are disgustingly ugly. A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about the death of "Muffy" your pet cockroach.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and doesn't speak much English--oops sorry, that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by crocodiles.
=========================================
On to the ironic part.
Send this email on!!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not? Thanks! And remember, the moral of the story is: If you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e., the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e., Miranda Pinsley, who ended up in a waterfall of shit) just delete it. Do yourself and everyone else in the world a favor and say, "F#&% CHAIN LETTERS!"
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